Can We Talk for a Minute About Friendships?
Jun 20, 2018
Can we talk for a minute about friendships? This week I really want to share my heart because I know so many people who really struggle with this topic in one way or another.
Here are some of the key reasons I am writing this blog this week:
- I’ve heard people say that it is difficult to make friends as an adult.
- Others have friendships that drag them down and sometimes they don’t even realized it.
- Some have friendships they feel obligated to because of the amount of time they’ve known a person.
- Still others simply don’t know how to be a good friend at all or what a good friendship should look like.
- Some have been very hurt in friendships and have completely closed themselves off to developing meaningful ones that will add value to their lives.
We are going to touch on some of these topics this week because human beings thrive in community. This is such a huge topic and I won’t be able to cover everything here, so if you have questions or a scenario that I have not addressed in this post, please let me know and I will do a follow-up post in the future.
We were not created to do life alone. We really need one-another. We were created for fellowship and to share the ups and downs of life with other people so that we can be strengthened and so that we can be a strength to others as well.
Let me preface this by saying that in this blog I am not referring to casual acquaintances. My focus is on heart-centred friendships. However, I will say that sometimes an acquaintance may actually be positioned in our sphere of influence with a greater purpose than we first realize. If we open the door of friendship we may just be surprised by the gift they can carry into our lives.
The bible has a lot of things to say about friendship. Here are just a few examples (all from The Passion Translation):
Prov. 20:6
Many will tell you they’re your loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly trustworthy?
Prov. 27:6
You can trust a friend who wounds you with his honesty, but your enemy’s pretended flattery comes from insincerity.
Prov. 27:9
Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.
1 Cor. 15:33
So stop fooling yourselves! Evil companions will corrupt good morals and character.
Let me start by giving you my definition of a good friend. A good friend is someone who loves me even with all my weird quirks. Someone who accepts me even when others don’t. Someone who speaks well of me when I am not around, even when others have negative things to say. In fact, a good friend will not even give the time of day to someone who wants to say negative things about me, but rather suggests that they come to me themselves to discuss the matter.
A good friend is someone who looks out for me and comes to my defence if needed. Someone who trusts me and whom I also trust to share my private matters with. Someone who believes in me and encourages me to pursue growth and to go after my dreams, even if it is not the same path they are taking, and even if they personally do not have a clear view of the path I am taking. Someone who trusts me to follow the leading of the Lord in my life and who will stand by me in the darker days and seasons.
A good friend is someone who wants what is best for me, even if it is less convenient for them. Someone who will give me their opinion but won’t judge me or be offended with me if I disagree with them. Someone who will celebrate my wins with me and mourn my losses with me.
A good friend is someone who tells me the truth, even if it hurts my feelings temporarily. Someone who reminds me of my potential and not my short-comings. Someone I can relax and be myself around because they don’t have an agenda. Someone who I can be honest with, without them shutting down when I say something they don’t like. Someone who isn’t compelled to “teach me a lesson” by withholding love, kindness, support or love when they are upset with me. Someone mature enough to talk things out when we disagree or if I inadvertently hurt their feelings. Someone who respects me and treats me with honour. Someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt because they really know my heart.
A positive friend is someone who has a growth mindset and who is marching towards their dreams and destiny too. Someone who is not content to let me sit on the sidelines and watch them pursue their dreams while mine lie dormant. Someone who believes in me and offers help whenever they can. Someone who does not withhold help, encouragement, praise and support when it is within their power to give it.
A true friend is someone who inspires me. Someone who is secure in the Lord and also in our friendship. Someone who doesn’t need to be my only friend to feel valued. Someone who loves the Lord and lives their life to a standard that is pleasing and honouring to Him. A true friend is a safe place when the rest of the world seems cold and dark. A true friend is one who can see you at your worst and still remind you of your best.
A true friend is one that you can not see for weeks or months at a time because sometimes life is like that, but you always pick up just where you left off as if no time or distance has passed. This friend will check in with you from time to time (even through the busy-ness) just to let you know you are loved.
A great friend will let me lean on them as much as they lean on me. The friendship is not one-sided. This is especially true if you are a strong and resilient person. We all have good days and bad ones and a real friend is there for you when the darkness tries to creep in, even (and especially) when you don’t need it very often. It is important to know that someone is there for you when you do.
Do you have at least one friend like this?
Are you a friend like this to others?
I am blessed to have some wonderful friends but one in particular checks all of these boxes. My friend Tania is my bestie and it is such a blessing to be at peace in our friendship because I never have to wonder where I stand with her. She is not wavering in her love. She is truly a gift to me and I am so very, very thankful to have her in my life. I should also mention that it was this same friend who introduced me to my very best friend of all, Jesus, in a meaningful way when I was seventeen years old.
Friendships like this must be cultivated and go through trials and testing to become solid. That means we don’t give up when the going gets tough and it means that we do have to have the hard conversations from time to time.
If real friendships have been a struggle for you, please don’t give up. The richness and value we glean from great friendships is honestly worth all the ups and downs that come with cultivating them.
Here are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to cultivating friendships that last the test of time.
- Do not treat your friend like a professional counsellor. A good friend can provide general counsel and advise from time to time out of wisdom they have gleaned in life and a love and familiarity with you, but they cannot replace the benefits of a professional. (As a side note, it is my firm belief that everyone can benefit from the gift of professional counsel from time to time … we all have things to work through so that we can go to the next level in our lives). Don’t make your friend fill this role, it can be a drain on the relationship. Also, don’t forget that your wise, kind-hearted and loving friend could use a friend to lean on too. If they are always the one wearing the counsellor hat, pretty soon they will not feel like the friendship is balanced. So take heed, if you feel stuck and unable to move forward in an area or your life, there are services available to help you with that. Please take your well-being seriously. Your friend is not equipped to do that for you.
- Do take the time to know and understand your friend’s heart. Friendships are reciprocal relationships. If your friend knows your favourite things and takes the time to say or do thoughtful things for you, if they know how to encourage and cheer you up when you are down, you should know how to do the same for them. Take the time to know who your friend really is and care about the things that matter to them. When you really know someone, it is less likely for offence to take place because even if they say something the wrong way, you’ll know that their heart is for you and not against you.
- Even though friendships are reciprocal relationships and there is give and take involved by both parties, don’t make the mistake of keeping score. There will be seasons where you will be more of the giver and seasons when you will be more of the receiver. That is why healthy relationships take time and devotion to build because that is how you learn and grow together through good times and bad. It is important to say though that the key word above is “seasons,” if you are always the giver or always the receiver, this could be a sign that the friendship is off-balance. Examine your friendships and take a good look at the value you give and the value you receive. You deserve healthy, strong friendships with people who understand their own worth as well as yours.
- Do not stay in a friendship where sharing your wins or successes is treated as prideful or when sharing your insecurities is met with agreement instead of encouragement. A true friend will rejoice with you when you win and shake some sense into you when you get down on yourself. Real friends add strength to you.
- Do not try to control who your friends spend time with. Don’t be jealous of your friend having other friends. If you find you are jealous or feel the need to control (or to always be included) it may be time to examine your heart and see where insecurity and neediness has crept in. Remember, there are places in your heart that only God can fill. Invest in your own growth and healing in this area. If you have a controlling friend, gently encourage them to branch out and make more friends of their own. Do not allow someone else’s insecurities to hold you back from connecting with others in your sphere of influence. You should each have your own separate identity outside of one-another. Your security should not be based on them, and their security should not be based on you. Friendships should compliment our lives, not define them.
- Do follow your dreams and find friends who support your dreams. If your friend uses passive aggressive language to try to dissuade you from your dreams, they are not your friend. There could be many reasons a person does this, but none of them are good. If your dream does not contradict the word of God, is not immoral, unethical or harmful to you or someone else in any way, than follow your dream. If your goal is to get better at online marketing and your friend continuously tells you how terrible social media is (even though they continue to use it), that is passive aggressive language to try to make you feel bad about your goal or dream. If you decide you want to take a personal development course and your friend becomes enraged and offended at the prohibitive cost of the event and says it is “wrong/ungodly” for the company to charge those prices to try to make you feel bad about doing business with them. That is passive aggressive behaviour to try to get you not to invest in something they are not willing to invest in themselves. Follow the leading of the Lord and do you. Don’t be held back by other people’s limiting beliefs. Trust me, we all have enough of our own to deal with.
- Do not stick it out with a “friend” once you learn that they go around telling others about your flaws in order to make themselves look like the “better/more anointed/more intelligent” one. This is a frenemy. Stay away from these people.
- Do inspire and encourage your friends and rejoice with them when God promotes them to a higher station. Also, look for friends that will do the same for you.
- Do pay attention to how you are treated by your friend. One of my mentors likes to say, “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.” Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt for far too long. The proof is in the pudding.
- Do offer your friends help and support. There is something to be said for an investment of energy and time to support a friend in building their success. If we can help one another, why would we hold back or withhold that help? Now, please do not spend all of your time supporting others and not building your dream but it often doesn’t take a lot to help someone advance. Real friends do not withhold help when it is within their power to give it. Be that kind of friend. When friends invest in friends, we rise to the top together. When we each go it alone, the climb is harder, longer and we may arrive at different times. This could potentially build a chasm between you that is hard to bridge. Also, if you are the friend always investing time, talent, energy and encouragement into your friend's dream but they turn their back when it is time to build yours (offering little to no support), that friend is selfish and not a true friend to you.
- Do take the time to celebrate your friend and spend quality time with them. Make an effort in a way that is meaningful to them.
Sometime relationships just fizzle out and that is ok. Not everyone is called to walk alongside us for the long-term. However sometimes relationships falter because one (or both) parties do not act like true friends. I do encourage you to attempt to mend relationships where possible. I also encourage you to end relationships that are so one-sided that they are unhealthy.
We all deserve loyal, loving and God-centred friendships. If you are in need of one today, please write me so I can pray for you.
Until next week my lovelies, be a great friend and share this blog post with those you care about. Please remember, you are loved and deeply cherished by Jesus and by me!
Photo cred. Philippe Leone on Unsplash
